Wordless Wednesday - Teacher Appreciation



I got some teacher appreciation love from the Blue Room. I love my tiny students!



Tuesday's Tip (#32)

Here's a tip for you:

Stop watching Law & Order SVU (or get a chiropractor).

I went for a run a little after it got dark last night. I then spent 30 minutes running and flipping my head back and forth like a lunatic because I was fairly certain that some creep would be sneaking up behind me at any second. It's really not good for my neck. Clearly, I watch too many crime dramas. I was avoiding dark bushes and giving parked cars a wide berth. Hey, at least if I ever get attacked, it won't come as a surprise. Just pray for the poor innocent bystander who tries to share a sidewalk with me. They're going down. (Sorry, old lady.)

And don't make fun of my new rainbow shoes - they rock.

Have a tip to share? Or some pepper spray? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

It's Not That Hard

Brace yourselves, dads, because shit's about to get real.

Here it is, your guide to the perfect Mother's Day. Please, bookmark this now and save it as a reference for next year. You can thank me later when I've saved your marriage.

When the kids are little and not quite adept at being responsible for their own Mother's Day gifts, it's up to you dads/significant others/partners to help them out. It's really not all that hard.

With any luck, the school-aged children will come home with some adorable craft to give to mom. Beautiful. Half the battle is already won. If not, grab a few pieces of paper out of the printer, some crayons, and set those little kiddies to work on some homemade cards. Us moms eat that crap right up.

Okay. The cards are handled. Here's the big finale. Walk into your bedroom while mom is still sleeping (but not too early) and give her the big gift. Whisper into her ear, "Honey, I'm taking the kids out for a few hours. You're going to be all alone. Get your nails done. Eat chocolate in bed. Watch crappy tv. Read a book. Take a bath. Do whatever you want. ALL ALONE."

That is all. We adore our children. They are the center of our chaotic little universe. Just please, for the love of all that is good and holy, give us a few hours out of the year to take a freakin' break.

Heed my advice. You'll be the hero of Mother's Day next year.

You're welcome.

HEY! If you enjoy the blog, why not become a follower? I'm the one who would kill for a few hours to myself. You can also stalk find me on Facebook and Twitter. Like the page and follow me!

**And be sure to visit my Zazzle store. Don't you need a new coffee mug or apron?

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It's My Birthday

Today is my 35th birthday. (Okay, so it was really Wednesday. That's what happens when you have 87 kids and a job and a birthday. You don't really get anything done on time.)

I spent some of the morning commute realizing that I feel pretty old. I really don't understand where time has gone.

19 years ago today, PJ gave me a claddagh ring for my sweet 16. I still wear it every day (even though it no longer fits on my ring finger - damn kids made my hands and feet bigger).

14 years ago, I was sitting at midnight on my 21st birthday having my first legal drink at a bar with my college friends. It was awesome.

10 years ago, I was 25 and pregnant with my first child. I was so excited to be starting my family. Who knew how far we'd go with that idea?

Today, I am the mother of five kids ages 9 1/2 -2 1/2. How the heck did that happen?

Those kinds of things make me feel really old. (That and the fact that my mother called me "middle-aged." Just remember, mom, you officially qualify for a senior discount.)

I might be middle-aged, but I don't really feel like a grown-up yet. I'm not really sure when that will ever happen if it hasn't happened yet. I do grown-up type things. I go to work. I pay bills. I put naughty kids in a time out. 

But it's all a farce. Internally, I'm fairly certain I'm still about 20. I love to blast the music in my car and sing like I'm a rock star. I secretly laugh uncontrollably when a toddler says a bad word. I eat chocolate in bed when my kids are asleep while watching Friends reruns. I share the same sense of humor as my 17 year old niece. (Although, she is a little mature for her age. Her mental age may actually be older than mine.) I get the giggles during meetings at work and have to cough loudly to cover up the fact that I'm about to snort. And I adore Far Side comics. 

So, I'm a middle-aged lady with 87 kids and the mental age of a 20 year old. You know what, though? You're only as old as you feel. As long as I don't start trying to dress like a 20 year old, I think it just makes me more fun.

You can't tell me those aren't funny. If you didn't at least chuckle, we can't be friends anymore. Just saying.

HEY! If you enjoy the blog, why not become a follower? I'm the one who is a little immature. You can also stalk find me on Facebook and Twitter. Like the page and follow me!

**And be sure to visit my Zazzle store. Don't you need a new coffee mug or apron?

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You Can Get So Much Crap For Five Dollars!

A few weeks ago, my good friend Sue Diamond-Phillips (not her real name, but I wish it was) wrote a blog post over at Diapers or Wine all about taking her five kids to Five Below. First off, I love her because those of us "crazy" enough to have a basketball team -sized family need to stick together. Secondly, I'm pretty sure she's stalking me because I had just been to Five Below that same week with my five kids. (Sue, stop stalking me. Even though I love it.)

If you haven't been to Five Below, it's better than your average crummy dollar store, and everything in it is $5 or less. Hence the name. There is nothing more exciting to my kids than when we tell them we're going to Five Below. Luckily for me, both Auntie Juju AND the Easter Bunny gave each of the kids a $5 gift card to the store. So, I had five very excited kids who couldn't wait to spend their respective $10. This is what I tweeted to Sue:

I knew she'd understand. See, as great as this place is when you need stocking stuffers or hula hoops, or more $4 sunglasses after you sat on your last pair, it's a lot to handle with the kids. 

We went yesterday with gift cards in hand.

Literally.

My three oldest children can do the math associated with figuring out what they can spend and what they want to get. The problem is, we have so many kids who have different interests, (plus the two who can't add and subtract yet), that they just fan out when we get inside the entrance. PJ & I try to keep an eye on them all, but I think it's more effective if one of us just stations themselves at the door to make sure none of them escapes.

Patrick is easy. He goes right in, and figures out what he wants. Usually he heads for the books. Yesterday he got a science experiment kit and some new sunglasses because he really needed sunglasses. Piece of cake.

Lucy, on the other hand, is very shrewd. She knows she has only $10 to spend and she isn't about to rush into any decisions. It's a painstaking process. Eventually, after I was following her around saying, "We can always come back if you can't decide," she settled on a necklace, friendship bracelet kit and some new shades. It was painfully slow, though.

Sophie is tough. She will walk right in, find something, and be all set. Until she walks ten more feet and finds something else that she wants more. Then she has to put the first thing back and figure out how many more dollars she can spend. This little scenario will repeat itself over and over until, finally, she settles on a game and a travel pillow for your neck. (Keep in mind, this place is full of candy and toys. Sophie gets a travel pillow. She's awesome.)

Sophie being Sophie

Sean and Charlotte gravitate toward the balls in the store. There are bouncy balls, basketballs, soccer balls... you get the idea. There are ginormous, silver trash cans full of all kinds of balls. Unfortunately, these two have to try them all out to figure out which one they'll buy this time. That's when you'll find PJ and I running like idiots down some aisle to retrieve the latest haphazardly bounced ball. It's a shining moment in parenthood.

Patrick and the little ones checking the bounce factor

Taking five kids with $50 in gift cards to a place where everything is $5 or less is a little chaotic. There are at least 85 million combinations of things you can get with $10. I'm sure there's some elaborate mathematical equation that could calculate the exponential degree of chaos, but I haven't had enough coffee to go there. After a good, long while, everybody got something that made them happy. I even replaced my crushed glasses with another styling pair of $4 shades.

Nothing but the best, baby.

Added bonus, they had paper lanterns for sale, so we finally took the orange and black ones down from Halloween and put up some new colors.

Hopefully, these aren't up for six months, too.

I'm always a little traumatized when we make a Five Below trip, but everyone gets something they want and it keeps them quiet for a while afterward. And, thanks to Sophie, we can all take a turn resting our necks in the car.

So manly.

What about you...any places that your kids like to go that make you want to cry?

HEY! If you enjoy the blog, why not become a follower? I'm the one who is recovering from our trip to the store. You can also stalk find me on Facebook and Twitter. Like the page and follow me!

**And be sure to visit my Zazzle store. Don't you need a new coffee mug or apron?

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The One With The Epic Meltdown

My kids are relatively good most of the time. They may fight occasionally, they may be fresh when they're cranky, but, for the most part, they are pretty good.

Except when they're not.

I have a theory that kids have a certain quota of nonsense they have to pull. Unfortunately, mine like to save it up for one atomic meltdown every six months or so. There was an episode, when Lucy was about 3 years old, that she cried for 4 straight hours because I wouldn't buy her a toothbrush at the grocery store. Sean once went the way of Linda Blair (a la The Exorcist) because I wouldn't buy him ice cream for breakfast. So, I know this isn't an unusual phase for my kids around the age of 3. Unfortunately for me, Charlotte has always been a little advanced for her age.

Charlotte decided to try her hand at the atomic meltdown at the grocery store the other day. My first mistake was saying out loud that I was just going to run into the store for a few things. I should know right away that I'm tempting fate with a statement like that. I only had Sean and Charlotte and really only needed a handful of items. Piece of cake, right? {Go ahead and laugh at my naiveté. You have my permission.}

It started with the shopping cart. Both kids wanted the cart with the car attached to the front. Sadly, every single one of those carts had only one steering wheel. Instant recipe for disaster. Luckily, the kids figured they could take turns driving. Until Sean decided he was going to get out and walk. Then Charlotte wanted to help me scan the groceries with the hand scanner. This isn't usually a problem, but I let Sean have a turn. Apparently, this was the ultimate offense, because that is when Charlotte proceeded to lay herself down on the floor of aisle 6 and sob like I just killed her best friend.

I thought I could just walk down to the end of the aisle and say goodbye. This usually brings her running. But, my little friend was in it to win it. She stayed right there and didn't even care when I turned the corner into the next aisle. I then had to run all the way back and grab her before someone called child services. Not to be conquered, Charlotte resorted to the boneless chicken maneuver. You know, when your child is suddenly made of Jello and can't be lifted? Of course, I'm not new to this game, so I had a pretty good handle on her. So, my wonderful angel of a child went straight up crazy and tried to kick me.

Oh no, sister. Not happening.

I took my little demon child and buckled her (by force) right into the car carriage. She proceeded to scream and cry for the remainder of my "quick" trip to the grocery store. She finally settled a bit when I was checking out, but then started up all over again because I wouldn't let her pay. Although, if she had any cash, I definitely would've given in on that one.

My darling daughter cried the whole ride home and finally fell asleep at the house. Which made me really appreciate the sound of silence. Until she woke up mid-nap screaming, "I WANT TO SCAN IT!"

Is this chick for real? She was carrying this tantrum straight into her dreams. What a lunatic!

All told, the atomic meltdown lasted for about three hours. Not including naptime. Let's be glad that they don't happen more than once or twice a year, because I'm sure one of us wouldn't survive.

What about your kids? Have they ever had a memorable meltdown? Please let me know I'm not the only one! ;)

HEY! If you enjoy the blog, why not become a follower? I'm the one who has the screaming kid at the store. You can also stalk find me on Facebook and Twitter. Like the page and follow me!

**And be sure to visit my Zazzle store. Don't you need a new coffee mug or apron?

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Tuesday's Tips (#31)

Here's a tip for you:

Never pay more than $5 for your sunglasses.

That way, when you sit your fat ass on them in the car, you won't cry about how quickly you snapped those little ear pieces off.

Have a tip to share? Or some new glasses for me? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!